Up The Hammers – Latest West Ham United FC News

They were standing under a scaffold, each with an arm round the other’s neck, and Princess Karen knew which was which in a moment, because one of them had ‘DUM’ embroidered on his collar, and the other ‘DEE.’ ‘I suppose they’ve each got “David” round at the back of the collar,’ she said to herself. They stood so still that she quite forgot they were alive, and she was just…

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So all the speculation about Antonio joining Chelsea was wrong – for now at least. The news of a 4 year deal is great, but we all know that contracts mean nothing if a player wants to go. Just ask a certain Payet. What the contract does mean is that we should get a fair price when or if our Smiling Bull moves on. And hopefully Michel has also got another clause inserted into the deal, “Under …

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Even as we speak, Pochettino has retreated into a bunker beneath White Hart Lane with the Tottenham tactical brains trust, desperately seeking a plan for how to stop West Ham’s rampant strike force. To misquote The Sound of Music, the challenge is how do you solve a problem like Calleri? How, exactly, do you catch a cloud and pin it down? A Tottenham source revealed, “Poch has had to contend with some great strikers…

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How outrageous! West Ham fans up and down the land will be venting their fury at the news that former favourite Paul Ince has been shown the door by Tangerine Dreamers Blackpool. How very dare they? What has Ince done to deserve the sack exactly? He took over a moderately crap team – his son apart – and nearly a year later, he leaves behind a moderately crap team. Since when has that been a reason for a guy to be sacked exactly? Ok, Blackpool started the season fabulously, and have fallen …

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Oh dear. Second half we were so much better, but in the first half the Geordies played us off the Upton Park. On came Morrison and, belatedly, Carroll after a lucky goal in the last minute of the first half, and suddenly Newcastle were on the back foot. First Taylor delivered a delicious cross from the right (with his right foot) and with Carroll not yet on the pitch, Carlton managed to slice wide of an open goal. Miss of the season contender one. Then Downing took the ball …

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Well we are still in it, but God knows how! Newcastle completely dominated the half and but for two Adrian saves, some poor finishing and half a dozen last ditch blocks, we could have shipped six or seven. Then, on the stroke of half time, Rat showed Jarvis how to cross, Carlton chest controlled the ball into Williamson’s path, and with his keeper on the deck, the Newcastle man supplied a clinical finish to bundle the ball over the …

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It was good to hear Hansen singing a West Ham players praises on MOTD for a change. Usually it’s all about how our centre halves are too far apart, how we can’t defend set pieces, how the position of our keeper is all wrong at a free kick and how detached our lone striker is. So for Hansen to say that he would be surprised if ANY player performed better this weekend than Noble at Cardiff, then we should sit up and take notice…

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Those of us with long enough memories will read the suggestions of Carroll being rushed back early with a sense of deep trepidation. Who can forget the lumbering shadow of the player that he once was that Ashton cut when he was rushed back following his ankle break? Look at his scoring record in the history books and it would be difficult to imagine that anything was ever seriously wrong –  19 goals in 43 starts (with another 13 appearances as a sub) is a record that Andy Carroll could probably …

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As if the performance itself wasn’t sickening enough, the sight of Allardyce laughing in the post match press conference really twisted the knife in the guts. When pressed on the unhappiness of the fans, Allardyce had the audacity to laugh and tell the journalist that he had just won him 150 quid by leading with that question. Laugh? How dare he! Mock the fans who vented their understandable anger following a second thrashing in a week? That is beneath contempt. In fact, the guy seemed to …

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With every West Ham fan in the land weeping in humiliation, joint chairmen and owners David Gold and David Sullivan are rumoured to be planning to offer free seats at Upton Park to everybody wearing a Claret and Blue scarf until the end of the season. Speaking after the 6-0 reverse at Manchester City,  a source close to Mr Gold explained: “We really can’t ask the fans to pay to watch this crap any longer.” “It’s bad enough that they have been spending hard earned …

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Half time and it’s only 3-0. That proves the genius of Big Sam. He sacrificed the kids to save the big guns for this one, and look at how well we are doing! The decision to pick Adrian again was especially inspired. The guy is clearly bolted to his line and is a rabbit in the headlights of the Unreal City players as they pour into our box. Just what McCarthorse and Johnson’s Polish need behind them! Carlton’s on…

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No pressure game? Cobblers. this must be the last straw that breaks the camel’s back surely. Today was utterly and completely disgraceful and shameful. Never mind playing kids, the team played without pride, without spirit, without organisation and without shape. And who is to blame for that exactly? Sullivan and Gold now have to act. If Allardyce can’t motivate the likes of Jarvis and Downing to put in a shift – and neither broke sweat all afternoon despite sharing the armband – then what …

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So the first eleven are crap, the squad players are crap, and the kids are crap too it seems based on that first 45 minutes.  If this is anything like the team we will field in the Championship next season, then we will fall straight through the division! Mind you, the kids aren’t the worst players on the pitch! Look at Jarvis yet again! Time and again he has been one on one with the full back, and time and again he has failed to beat his …

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What a pile of crap! Look at the starting eleven today and it was embarrassing. Never mind the injuries, the squad Allardyce has put together is simply pathetic, and the reason, of course, is the ludicrous purchase of the injured Carroll and the superfluous Downing. Any team featuring Demel, McCarthorse, O’Brien, a semi fit Diarra, Taylor, Collison and Maiga in the starting line up is going to struggle. Where was the creativity? Where was the flair?…

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Well, come the end of the day, the result wasn’t as disastrous as it could have been, thanks to every other result going in our favour, including the draws. Hull Tigers are showing what we could be achieving with a half decent squad but, of course, we haven’t got one. So Allardyce has hit the excuse button yet again. Now there’s a surprise! This time it’s the injuries, the lack of recovery time and the fans that are to blame. The injuries that have …

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I haven’t had a chance to listen to Allardyce’s whinges yet, having just got back from the game, but it’s a pretty safe bet that he is bemoaning missed chances, injuries and silly mistakes. What he will almost certainly not say is: “We are second from bottom and rightly so. Our football has been shit for most of the season and there’s no point in me moaning about missed chances because I have constructed a squad of players …

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Well it could have been much, much worse. A goal down far too early and two goals behind at half time, the clever money was on the Mancs to run in four, five or six. But credit where credit is due, we maintained our effort levels and actually drew the second half 1-1. To be honest, with Rooney pulling the strings brilliantly, we were always up against it. If only injury had kept him on the side lines, we might have come away…

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Well has anybody ever been more wrong? I lambasted the team selection. I said if Spurs scored, there would be no way back – and we could have scored five! And I mocked Jarvis and Maiga, the two goal scorers. Add in criticism of the inclusion of Adrian, who was excellent, Diarra who played with real composure, and Taylor who set up the Jarvis equaliser brilliantly and also forced a superb save from Lloris, and I couldn’t have…

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Well, that’s another payday for anybody who bet against West Ham scoring in the first 45, but credit where credit is due, Allardyce’s team of stiffs has defended stoutly thus far. Spurs have had chances, but not many, and Collins, McCartney, Diarra, O’Brien and Rat have been chucking themselves in front of shots and crosses as if their lives depend upon it. Anybody who wants Allardyce sacked should think about how committed this bunch of players are – until they go behind…

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So our former big white Colombian hope, Christian Montano has been dismissed by Oldham Pathetic because of the Spot Fixing allegation. Young Montano is presently launching a claim for unfair dismissal (he learnt something from Curbishley then!) but it seems strange that the club would do something so drastic without being pretty sure of their ground. Of course, this is not the first time there has been a link between West Ham and Spot Fixing.Years back there was a rumour centred around a throw-in conceded immediately …

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Dear God, that was truly dire and illustrated perfectly the folly of the “all the eggs in one basket” transfer strategy over the summer. No Carroll, no hope. And it’s not as if Carroll is a goal machine when fit! Sunderland could have won 5-0 today and should have won by two or three clear goals. Thank Christ their strikers are as inept as ours and that Poyet doesn’t know Fletcher’s scoring record at Upton …

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What a truly dreadful 45 minutes. Sunderland should be at least two goals to the good, and even though Marriner seems to be in the pay of Poyet, that is disgraceful. Maiga, as usual, has been hopeless, failing with his two good chances to hit the target on either occasion, whilst Jarvis has been even worse. How many chances has he had to cross the ball, and how many times has he hit the ball yards wide of any West Ham player? But they are not alone in being…

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This is disgraceful. This is a dire Palace team and they have been playing dire football for 45 minutes but we go in a goal behind for the same old reason, we can’t score. We were as much in control in that half as we were in the first 45 against Norwich, but there’s no point in dominating if you can’t put the bloody ball in the net. Now, if anyone can explain the logic …

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Well, looking back after the event, it was all very comfortable wasn’t it? Based on that showing, Fulham are in deep, deep, deep trouble and we look too good to go down. But let’s take a deep breath and look at things honestly. The team that started the game had scored just two goals between them all season. Some leapt on my negative half time report, in which I made Fulham favourites to run out 1-0 winners, based on the fact that they had goal scorers in their team …

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As warm up games go, the 9-0 hammering by a West Ham Eleven in mid week wouldn’t normally be what the doctor orders ahead of a key relegation 6 pointer. But the hapless Gills were still able to dust themselves down, travel North and spank hapless, helpless, hopeless and piss pot less Shafting United at the weekend. And as a result, the Blunted Blades are right back where they belong – in the bottom 4 of the old Third Division – second from bottom to be precise, just 2 points ahead of Notts County…

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So, who is he? Hercule Poirot, Miss Marple and Jack Frost are on the case as we speak, trying to track down the mystery man who replaced Carlton Cole on 60 minutes in the nine goal stroll, the mystery man who is repeatedly called “Trialist” on the Official Site! We shouldn’t get too excited, of course – even Carlton and Maiga scored, which tells you everything you need to know about Gillingham – but, let’s face …

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