Up The Hammers – Latest West Ham United FC News

They were standing under a scaffold, each with an arm round the other’s neck, and Princess Karen knew which was which in a moment, because one of them had ‘DUM’ embroidered on his collar, and the other ‘DEE.’ ‘I suppose they’ve each got “David” round at the back of the collar,’ she said to herself. They stood so still that she quite forgot they were alive, and she was just…

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So all the speculation about Antonio joining Chelsea was wrong – for now at least. The news of a 4 year deal is great, but we all know that contracts mean nothing if a player wants to go. Just ask a certain Payet. What the contract does mean is that we should get a fair price when or if our Smiling Bull moves on. And hopefully Michel has also got another clause inserted into the deal, “Under …

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Where the hell did that come from? OK, we played reasonably well at Stoke and defended well against Everton, but can anybody honestly say they saw us winning so comfortably? 1-0 may not sound like a pounding but had decent chances been converted, we would have run out 4-1 winners; and that scoreline would not have flattered us! The chances missed? Kouyate should have netted after Lloris blocked off Lanzini; Calleri should have buried the chance he…

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So apparently Bilic’s tenure at West Ham comes down to how we perform in the last two home games of the season.  As the final whistle blows on our miserable first season in the London Stadium Emperor Sullivan will clambour to his feet, hold his thumb out in front of him and, in a moment of high drama, either point it to the sky or down to damnation. It is an interesting approach but it is…

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So Slaven is going to have a chat with Andy Carroll about his injury record. Brilliant! I know talking therapies are all the rage in Hollywood but does Bilic really believe that he has the power of healing in his words? If so, it’s a bloody shame he didn’t give Andy a good talking to 24 months ago! But who knows, if he succeeds with Carroll, Slaven might work the oracle with Sakho too, although all the rumours suggest that the manager’s…

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Even as we speak, Pochettino has retreated into a bunker beneath White Hart Lane with the Tottenham tactical brains trust, desperately seeking a plan for how to stop West Ham’s rampant strike force. To misquote The Sound of Music, the challenge is how do you solve a problem like Calleri? How, exactly, do you catch a cloud and pin it down? A Tottenham source revealed, “Poch has had to contend with some great strikers…

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Allardyce was beginning to get very tired of sitting in the shadow of his own ego outside the bank, and of having nothing to moan about: once or twice he had peeped into the book of tactics his replacement was writing, but it had no pictures of long balls in it, ‘and what is the use of a book about passing,’ thought Allardyce, ‘without pictures of the route one ball?’ He was considering in…

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Well what a diabolical start to the World Cup. The opening ceremony was cringeworthy with unimaginative dancers and singers that nobody could hear, but that proved the perfect prelude to the most embarrassingly engineered home nation victory you could ever dread to see. It really is time for referees to be marched in front of the world’s media and interrogated about decisions which are so ludicrous that they bring the entire game into disrepute and leave everybody suspecting that…

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Well, it seems even ‘Arry and QPR didn’t want him and clubs on the other side of the Atlantic said, “You did us over with London Bridge when we thought we were buying Tower Bridge, so we aint buying the duff Cole, be it Carlton or Joe.” So what was the former Boy Wonder to do when even Batman ‘Arry and the Yanks of Gotham City didn’t want him? The downward spiral started …

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We sold the club’s soul when we appointed Allardyce. We’ve agreed the sale of the ground too. And any player worthy of the title has been converted into cash at the earliest opportunity since the days of Greenwood and Lyall, so why in God’s name get into a tizzy over the badge? Maybe crossed dildos could replace the hammers. Instead of the castle, move in the Olympic Rings, with each dildo piercing a ring in ultra suggestive fashion. Why not add …

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With Spurs desperate for a replacement for Danny “A Rose by any other name would smell as shite” and with cash limited following the £100m splurge last summer, surely Pochettino should consider reuniting Lennon with McCartney, by signing the West Ham man recently released on a free. Before Spurs fans scoff, they should remember that West Ham did the treble over their rag bag bunch of overpriced millionaires last season, and “Linda” played in two of those …

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What a shame. It seems the lure of mega dollars has persuaded Fat Frank to ply his trade on the other side of the pond, rather than return to his roots or to link up again with Uncle ‘Arry. A move by West Ham for the best player produced by the club since Moore, Hurst and Peters (and yes I’m counting Brooking!) was always unlikely given the fans’ antipathy for a player who, supposedly, was only selected …

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It seems amazing doesn’t it, that such a great player as Scott Parker can be relegated from the top division of English football THREE times in a – as yet unfinished – career. Anybody would think, looking at that record, that the guy wasn’t that much cop! Incredibly, despite helping Fulham to a next to bottom place finish in the Premier League, Parker was overlooked for this season’s Player of the Year award. Maybe his team has to finish rock bottom …

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So it looks like Lescott has shunned our advances. Well thank God for that! He laughed at suggestions that he might come to Upton Park on loan in January, and there’s no way we want somebody with that attitude at the club. In truth, Lescott is a very average player who has got more average by the day whilst living off the fat of Unreal City’s inflated wage bill. He lacks …

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So the latest big white carrot topped hope is apparently Jack Colback, because he is available on a free from Sunderland. Allardyce regards him as the best player presently available for nowt but he would wouldn’t he? Colback is an Allardyce type of player – high on energy and effort but very seriously lacking in one key department. Question. Aged 24, how many goals has Colback scored over his career? Answer, ten. Even more seriously, how many …

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Well he lost his mojo when Allardyce started playing him as the front man in a striker-less formation and then as a wide man because Jarvis was so consistently hopeless, but now, it seems, Diame simply wants out. How else can you account for his ridiculous comments about team mates not trying? Team mates not good enough might be a reasonable observation, but the one thing I witnessed all season was a team desperately trying to overcome its very …

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So, three players have gone and the first new recruit is on his way. I’m not overly excited about the prospect of Zarate, but he has to be better than Maiga, Cole, Downing and Jarvis, doesn’t he? The fact that he can play wide but can also score goals points to the direction in which we are heading: no change in the 4-3-3 tactics, just a change in personnel. I hope somebody has told the Argentinian…

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Take a look at the final league table. After 38 games, West Ham ended up with 40 points, just 7 clear of relegation. And six of those points came courtesy of victories over Spurs! God knows what would have happened had we not swept to that amazing 3-0 victory at White Hart Lane back in October. Without Carroll and any forward worthy of the name, we looked nailed on certainties for the drop. Keeping clean sheets is …

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Some of you may have noticed that this blog went quiet in February when we launched the winning run that secured our survival and that was down to good old fashioned East End superstition. Many would have promised not to change their underpants until West Ham lost, then until West Ham were guaranteed safety, but as a blogger, I pledged not to post until we were safely over the line. And, to be honest, with Allardyce in charge, what was there to …

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Look closely and you can see my FA Appeals Committee! What an absolute joke. How the hell that red card has been upheld, only the FA knows. Even Laudrup conceded that the card was harsh, and with Swansea dropping like Sharon Stone’s knickers in Basic Instinct, he had every reason to talk the card up. The decision is a charter for cheats, and a testament to the pig headed arrogance of referees, because after seeing the replays, Howard Webb should …

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I only saw the Chico Flores-Andy Carroll love tussle for the first time on MOTD2 last night, and on first viewing, I must admit my heart sank. From one angle, Carroll definitely swings his arm back and appears to make contact. And that’s the view the referee had. But seen from the other side, and all becomes clear. Yes the arm moves backwards, but not maliciously, and the reaction of Flores is absolutely pathetic. So now the FA face…

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Well it looks like being one hell of a scrap to avoid the drop this season. We were briefly out of the bottom three, only for Moyeschester United to choke yet again – this time at Stoke. So now three points separates tenth placed Stoke and relegation – and that is crazy with more than half the season in the can! What’s even crazier is that our survival could now depend on an appeal to Carroll’s red card. Nolan’s two goals today showed how …

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Well that would be a kick in the David Haighs wouldn’t it? Former Leeds United favourite Max Gradel is rumoured to have rejected a move to the ‘Yorkshire Briefly Greats’ after West Ham made a late, late move for the fleet of foot maestro. Gradel himself was unavailable for comment but a source close to Leeds, Mr Lee Vitout said: “Obviously everybody at Leeds is disappointed that Max has decided not to join our…

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Well what a fantastic rear guard action! The performance echoed our draw at Anfield last season, but was still more amazing because we have been leaking so many goals lately – and because Chelsea are a better team than Liverpool were last season. There’s little point in writing a match report as such, because all night it was a case of West Ham players closing, chasing, harrying, tackling, screening and throwing their bodies in front of shots. Critics of…

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OK we have bought some shit down the years, but Ross McCormack would really take the biscuit – providing Benni McCarthy didn’t eat any left behind by Eggert Magnusson and the barrel has been kept hidden from Allardyce. True the Scot has banged in a few goals in the Championship but how many players are capable of making the step up? And he’s no spring chicken is he? It doesn’t take a high wattage bulb to shine in the darkness…

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How outrageous! West Ham fans up and down the land will be venting their fury at the news that former favourite Paul Ince has been shown the door by Tangerine Dreamers Blackpool. How very dare they? What has Ince done to deserve the sack exactly? He took over a moderately crap team – his son apart – and nearly a year later, he leaves behind a moderately crap team. Since when has that been a reason for a guy to be sacked exactly? Ok, Blackpool started the season fabulously, and have fallen …

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