Up The Hammers – Latest West Ham United FC News

Damn the man! We hate him. And hate him with good reason. He is a tactical Neanderthal. He is arrogant. He is coarse and crude and belligerent. But bugger him, just when you think you have him down and defenceless, he grabs your foot in mid kick and flips you over backwards! Let’s get one thing straight. Greenwood would not have won today’s game after a 5-0 and 6-0 hammering. Nor would Lyall. Nor Bonds. Nor …

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Those of us with long enough memories will read the suggestions of Carroll being rushed back early with a sense of deep trepidation. Who can forget the lumbering shadow of the player that he once was that Ashton cut when he was rushed back following his ankle break? Look at his scoring record in the history books and it would be difficult to imagine that anything was ever seriously wrong –  19 goals in 43 starts (with another 13 appearances as a sub) is a record that Andy Carroll could probably …

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Half time and it’s only 3-0. That proves the genius of Big Sam. He sacrificed the kids to save the big guns for this one, and look at how well we are doing! The decision to pick Adrian again was especially inspired. The guy is clearly bolted to his line and is a rabbit in the headlights of the Unreal City players as they pour into our box. Just what McCarthorse and Johnson’s Polish need behind them! Carlton’s on…

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Woe to those calling for Allardyce’s head! It’s not his fault. What else could he do? His squad is decimated. Other teams make changes for the Cup. We play Man City on Wednesday. They have had an extra day’s rest. The priority is the Prem. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, far from sack him, Sullivan and Gold had better thrash out a contract extension, doubling the tactical guru’s wages! This is the man who invented 4-6-0 and who wound the clock…

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So the first eleven are crap, the squad players are crap, and the kids are crap too it seems based on that first 45 minutes.  If this is anything like the team we will field in the Championship next season, then we will fall straight through the division! Mind you, the kids aren’t the worst players on the pitch! Look at Jarvis yet again! Time and again he has been one on one with the full back, and time and again he has failed to beat his …

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Well ‘Arry’s 100% record in 2014 was exploded with a vengeance at Goodison. After the narrow and late, late victory over little Donny, hope surged through the veins of the gRRRRs, but with England’s 666, Robert Green, rested, ‘Arry’s boys folded like an England cricket team in Australia. The gulf in class was huge: bloody hell, Jelavic scoring twice in a game is akin to club cricketer Smith scoring centuries in back to back tests against Anderson …

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Well, come the end of the day, the result wasn’t as disastrous as it could have been, thanks to every other result going in our favour, including the draws. Hull Tigers are showing what we could be achieving with a half decent squad but, of course, we haven’t got one. So Allardyce has hit the excuse button yet again. Now there’s a surprise! This time it’s the injuries, the lack of recovery time and the fans that are to blame. The injuries that have …

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I haven’t had a chance to listen to Allardyce’s whinges yet, having just got back from the game, but it’s a pretty safe bet that he is bemoaning missed chances, injuries and silly mistakes. What he will almost certainly not say is: “We are second from bottom and rightly so. Our football has been shit for most of the season and there’s no point in me moaning about missed chances because I have constructed a squad of players …

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A transcript has emerged of the telephone call which alerted West Ham to the availability of ex Sunderland striker Asamoah Guyan, courtesy of a company working for Tottenham Hotspur: Voice down phone : Hello? Hello? Sullivan : David Sullivan here, owner and chairman of West Ham United Football Club and Merchant of  High Quality Porn. Voice down phone : Hello? Is that Mr David Sullivan? Sullivan : Sullivan here. Voice down phone : Mister Sullivan I am honoured to be speaking to …

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Bloody hell, West Ham had better find a crack lawyer and quick. Following his arrest, the club somehow needs to prove that the doorman and arresting officers are Tottenham fans and that this is a working class equivalent of Plebgate; because if the officers are telling the truth, then JT could well find himself doing a stretch inside. Drunk and disorderly is one thing. Chinning a pleb is usually admissible if you are a superstar footballer. But resisting …

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For 18 months the guy has looked pretty bloody hopeless but, following his match winning goal against Spurs and sparkling all round performance after coming off the bench, there is the hope that he may be about to deliver. True it was only against Spurs, and even Vaz Te and Jarvis can score against Spurs this season, and true one goal does not a Premiership striker make, but confidence is such a…

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Well has anybody ever been more wrong? I lambasted the team selection. I said if Spurs scored, there would be no way back – and we could have scored five! And I mocked Jarvis and Maiga, the two goal scorers. Add in criticism of the inclusion of Adrian, who was excellent, Diarra who played with real composure, and Taylor who set up the Jarvis equaliser brilliantly and also forced a superb save from Lloris, and I couldn’t have…

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Well, that’s another payday for anybody who bet against West Ham scoring in the first 45, but credit where credit is due, Allardyce’s team of stiffs has defended stoutly thus far. Spurs have had chances, but not many, and Collins, McCartney, Diarra, O’Brien and Rat have been chucking themselves in front of shots and crosses as if their lives depend upon it. Anybody who wants Allardyce sacked should think about how committed this bunch of players are – until they go behind…

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Ok, he doesn’t have many options, but why the hell are Taylor, Adrian and Diarra starting? I know some regard the Capital One Fan Cup as a nuisance distraction, but we are playing Spurs for pity’s sake, and we are one win away from a place in the semi-final. The team screams confused priorities. If we are saving players for the weekend – and what’s the point of that given …

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So our former big white Colombian hope, Christian Montano has been dismissed by Oldham Pathetic because of the Spot Fixing allegation. Young Montano is presently launching a claim for unfair dismissal (he learnt something from Curbishley then!) but it seems strange that the club would do something so drastic without being pretty sure of their ground. Of course, this is not the first time there has been a link between West Ham and Spot Fixing.Years back there was a rumour centred around a throw-in conceded immediately …

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So, Allardyce is in “advanced talks” with an unnamed striker and is trying to thrash out a deal with the player’s agent and his club. Great. The trouble is, it’s three months too bloody late! According to Allardyce, owner David Sullivan is “the quickest owner of a football club I have ever had. He doesn’t ‘ooh’, ‘aah’ and ‘um’ like most of the other owners I have been involved with”; which is a bit rich given an…

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With Watford losing their fifth home game on the trot and West Brom sacking Steve Clarke, the tantalising prospect of re-uniting the management dream team at Upton Park has become an outside possibility. Many West Ham fans believe that Zola has unfinished business at the Boleyn and absolve the lovable Italian of any blame whatsoever for the decimation of the half decent team that Curbishley handed over when he …

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Dear God, that was truly dire and illustrated perfectly the folly of the “all the eggs in one basket” transfer strategy over the summer. No Carroll, no hope. And it’s not as if Carroll is a goal machine when fit! Sunderland could have won 5-0 today and should have won by two or three clear goals. Thank Christ their strikers are as inept as ours and that Poyet doesn’t know Fletcher’s scoring record at Upton …

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This is disgraceful. This is a dire Palace team and they have been playing dire football for 45 minutes but we go in a goal behind for the same old reason, we can’t score. We were as much in control in that half as we were in the first 45 against Norwich, but there’s no point in dominating if you can’t put the bloody ball in the net. Now, if anyone can explain the logic …

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Bless him. Scotty rocked up at the Boleyn and put in his typical performance: 100% commitment, running himself into the ground, diving in front of shots, covering as many blades of grass as his ageing legs and lungs would allow, even charging into the penalty area on one tunnel-visioned run – and, of course, getting caught in possession twenty five yards out from his own goal, thereby setting up West Ham’s opening goal! If any game summed up Scotty, this was it!…

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So Allardyce’s program notes list the strikers he tried to buy, but trying isn’t good enough. They wouldn’t join because they knew they wouldn’t get a game if Carroll was fit and available. Mind you, that was always going to be one hell of an IF! Today, Allardyce has returned to plan A. Maiga up front, Nolan behind, Jarvis and Downing out wide and Diame and Noble providing the midfield engine – and that might work if Jarvis could cross and Maiga could score. But Jarvis wastes opportunity after…

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As warm up games go, the 9-0 hammering by a West Ham Eleven in mid week wouldn’t normally be what the doctor orders ahead of a key relegation 6 pointer. But the hapless Gills were still able to dust themselves down, travel North and spank hapless, helpless, hopeless and piss pot less Shafting United at the weekend. And as a result, the Blunted Blades are right back where they belong – in the bottom 4 of the old Third Division – second from bottom to be precise, just 2 points ahead of Notts County…

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So, who is he? Hercule Poirot, Miss Marple and Jack Frost are on the case as we speak, trying to track down the mystery man who replaced Carlton Cole on 60 minutes in the nine goal stroll, the mystery man who is repeatedly called “Trialist” on the Official Site! We shouldn’t get too excited, of course – even Carlton and Maiga scored, which tells you everything you need to know about Gillingham – but, let’s face …

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Well, for much of that first 45 minutes I thought I was watching a training game – or at most a pre season friendly. Our passing has been unnervingly precise, the movement has been wonderful, and with better luck and better finishing, we could be three goals ahead. Nolan has forced two saves from Ruddy, and really should have buried one of them, and Demel has hit the bar with a header from a corner. Meanwhile, Norwich have been chasing shadows and, when they have got the ball, have looked…

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Ok, it was only Rotherham, but nevertheless, young Lee netted a crucial equalising goal in the last minute of the Divison 1 clash. And even more pertinent, given we are talking Allardyce, he scored with his head! So Sam, 38 crosses failed to find a West Ham nut against Villa, whilst Elliot Lee got his nodder on the end of one delivered by a Colchester team mate. Worth a chance perhaps? The kids did well at Burnley! Meanwhile Shafting United’s revival proved deliciously short lived. A 2-0 defeat at lowly Shrewsbury put them…

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